well, im finally doin it. tonight was the last cigarrette i will ever have. I quit for a few different reasons:

1) For general health
2) For my boys that are quitting also (you know who you are)
3) For my future kids
4) For anyone that i come in contact with

Its been a long time comming, and now its happening. anyone that reads this that knows and sees me on a regular basis, feel free to ask if i have had a cigarrette. I will give you an honest answer.

Today is the official day - Tuesday, March 27th.

I will have clean lungs again. I will be able to breathe fresh air again.

"I tried again I fell again to find out for myself
It hurts for a life time
You picture rests there for a lifetime
And for a lifetime I will dream of you
I prepare a mantle inside of my heart
With your photograph to sooth the scars
Unable to be erased unable to be forgotten
As I grow older I will dream"

-zao

so true, so true

I would make so much more sense to be able to scream everything inside me out in the form of music...

Hold her in your right hand.
And guide her safely home.
Brush away all the thorns.
Find all the stones.
You're my angel without wings.
When I was crying you never left my side.
When I was dying you never left my side.
You're always there for me.
You're my angel without wings.
You were always without wings.
Without wings.

...in these times of silence,
these times of seperation,
i find there is a void that rises up,
a peace that bridges my tears,
a comfort that no one else can offer.
so why do people run away?
why do they look elsewhere and base
their self on opinions
when the truth is so evident that this
God of love is so constant?
destruction and storms.
my Jesus stands to help.

so today, or actually tonight was one of the most awesome and apparent things i have seen/heard from God. I prayed for an answer to be givin withing the night. about 30 minutes later, i got the answer. Wait. it was amazing. i didnt beat around the bush, i asked for an answer to prayer to be made that same night, and it was. I was told by a good friend that it was the heart i put into the prayer. makes sense. patience is something im learning about every passing day. its hard, but it will be well worth it in the end. im preparing for the best and the worst, even though the worst will still be amazing.

when life hits me, its like a ton of bricks. i dont know what to do, im just standing there, with this heavy weight on my heart, not knowing what to say, or do. it brings me down, it makes me constantly think, and i dont feel comfortable with myself. tonight is one of those nights. about 473 bricks make up a ton. a lot to hit you all at one time.