august 27th

birthdays are such weird days. its like a normal day. but not. you do everything the same, but people around you are always saying "happy birthday" and such. not that im opposed, but its weird trying to adjust, then the very next day its all back to normal. i guess its the same with any holiday.

ringtone

so i went to see project 86 last night at chain reaction (got in free cause of my birthday). wow. for such a small place, the volume was at like 11 (cue "spinal tap" scene...). after leaving the show, going to sleep, workin all day, and then gettin online today, i can still hear a ringing in my ears. my hearing is somewhat impared still. hopefully it goes away. i know the other people i went with still hear it too. so its not just me. i feel ok about that.

immobile

hmm. well at the moment i am somewhat immobile. i had "surgery" on my foot because of a toenail growing the wrong direction. it feels ok, im on vicodin, and just floatin around. maybe ill have something good to post in a few days.

"i know everything"

the kind of people that think they know everything, all the time. i pisses me off, especially when they say that you are incapable of doing something because you "dont know what your doing". people need to get over themselves. just experienced it today, and was not too happy. i dont know everything, i can admit that. there is the first step. they should try it sometime.

one to none

well...such a quick change of feeling today. at one moment, you feel as though someone depends on you, and you are the only person that can help them out. then, all in a second, that same feeling turns sour. you feel as though you are worthless. like your falling through black for a second before you catch yourself, and move on. i guess im being overly sensitive, but i definatly felt that time of falling into nothingness.

final stretch

well...on the final stretch, the hardest week of them all. harder than loosing a team member, harder than having to run things solo. these past two days have been rough. i guess its from the lack of sleep, added to the more lack of sleep, and work in between. i know im tired. i know i need to sleep, but i feel so numb right now. i dont feel tired, pain, hungry, or even hot/cold. a strange feeling i guess, but i would rather feel nothing for the next week, not feeling stressed or frustrated. i dont know anymore. its the last weekend. everyone is gone either with family or friends visiting. camp seems so dead and bare. im ready. finish this week. seems like i've only taken 2 steps and have ten thousand more to go...its been nine weeks. only one more...hopefully i keep this numb feeling...i wish...

his eyes

last night was the weirdest night...i talked to him after it happened. his eyes were glassy, you could see fear mixed with alcohol running through them. after a night of wrong decisions and worse ideas, a cold shower and sleep was all that was on his mind. little did he know, we were up much later then him, sadend, pissed, and worried for him. as soon as i opened the door, just seeing his eyes made my stomach drop. it took fifteen minutes to finally pick it up and walk outside. its been playing like a movie theater in my head ever since. you could buy tickets to an almost guarenteed showing at 7:10pm. its over now, everything is much better, it has pretty much blown over, and now the aftermath of gossip and rumors begins...while i watch it again in my head...but hes ok.

cookie cutter

so we were at staff worship/discussion last night. out of a lot of things that were being discussed, one thing stood out among everything else. the fact that most kids through their junior high years are formed more from a cookie cutter than letting themselves take their own "form". this cookie cutter comes from not just the secular influences, but also religious influences as well. im not gonna rant on about the secular influences, those are quite obvious, but the ones that come from religion...seems like a lot of the "sunday school" years are more of a focus on how to act, talk, and not much of the issue of faith itself. junior high kids do have the capacity to start to form their faith, and lay out what they do believe is true.

another thing that seems to hold them back is the "taboo(s)" people have put on certain topics in church, or just religious people in general. for a young women to struggle with lust is something they hold back, not getting help, and it affects them physically, and also spiritually. same for guys, if they struggle with lust, or sexual immorality, it is hard to get help for something like that when most people want to brush the topic aside, and it continues to eat at you inside.

if we let these younger people be comfortable, and safe with letting out their struggles, and know that its ok, that other people go through the same thing, they could let this stuff out, and truely find their identity in Christ. there would be such a difference if we gave these kids the opportunity to let themselves go. be different, not fit the mold.